SWNOVELS Break My Heart: Chapter 14
I stare at the ceiling, tracing the faint shadows that stretch across the room from the sliver of moonlight sneaking through my blinds. The clock on my nightstand ticks past midnight, and sleep feels as far away as it did an hour ago. Even though I’m physically exhausted—my body heavy and aching from practice, endless hockey drills, and wrangling kids at the clinic—my mind is wide awake, stuck on a constant loop.
I roll onto my side and try to shove thoughts of Hayes out of my head, but it’s useless. His face, his laugh, the way his gaze catches mine and holds, the nickname he’s given me, it all floods my brain, refusing to be silenced.
It’s infuriating.
And terrifying.
Hayes wasn’t supposed to be anything more than the manwhore I’d pegged him to be after our first run-in. And he certainly wasn’t supposed to get under my skin, making me second-guess everything I thought I knew about him and myself.
But here we are.
I roll onto my back again, staring blankly at the ceiling, letting the memories from this afternoon wash over me.
What did he say earlier?
That he wanted to get to know me better?
To figure out what this is between us?
It’s such a simple sentiment, and yet it’s weighed heavily on me ever since he said it. Because the thing is, I do feel something for him. It would be so much easier to ignore the attraction if he were just a cocky, one-dimensional player who said all the right things but meant none of them.
I’m starting to suspect he’s more than I assumed, and that’s making it harder to keep my walls up.
I think back to the clinic and lunch today, watching him with his siblings. The way his little sister clung to him, how he’d made her laugh and kept her close. The way he took charge with his brothers, patient and firm but with a tenderness I hadn’t expected. And then there’s his mom—the way his whole face softened when she walked into the restaurant.
There was no hiding the depth of responsibility he feels for them or the pride.
It’s a side of him that contradicts everything I thought I knew.
He isn’t just some guy who’s used to getting what he wants without putting in the work. He’s carrying more than I ever imagined. Supporting his family. Balancing school and hockey with all the pressure that comes with being one of the best players on the team.
It would be so easy to push him away, to use the excuse that I’m too messed-up to be with anyone right now. That’s what I’ve been doing, after all. Every time he gets too close, I freeze up, my instincts screaming at me to protect myself. To run before I get hurt again.
But there’s something about Hayes that makes it hard to keep running.
Maybe it’s the way he looks at me—not like I’m fragile, but like he sees me.
Like he knows I’m strong enough to handle whatever this is.
Maybe it’s the way he’s relentless without being pushy, always giving me just enough space to breathe but never letting me slip away completely.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to will away the confusion building inside me.
Most of all, I didn’t expect him to burrow under my skin, to keep showing up in my thoughts when I should be focusing on other things like school, skating, and keeping myself together. He makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. Things I haven’t let myself feel since…
The thought of Nathan slithers in like a snake, coiling around my gut and squeezing tight. My eyes snap open, and I stare at the ceiling again.
Don’t think about him.
But I can’t stop myself. It’s like my mind is stuck in this endless loop, going back to the place I’ve spent the last year running from.
Every time I see Hayes, every time I hear his voice or feel his presence, that invisible wall I’ve built between myself and the world cracks a little more.
And that terrifies me.
I sit up in bed, running my hands through my hair, frustrated by my own emotions. This is the last thing I need. Instead of thinking about Hayes, I should focus on getting my life back together.
But then I hear his voice in my head, soft and steady, asking me that one question that’s been gnawing at me since we left the restaurant.
“Do you feel anything for me?”
I hadn’t answered him then, too caught off guard by his honesty to respond. But now, in the quiet of my room, I can’t escape the truth.
I do.
I think about the way he stared into my eyes. The way his warm breath feathered across my lips. My lower belly flutters before the sensation settles deep in my core.
My teeth scrape across my bottom lip as my hand slips inside my panties and grazes the top of my mound. I suck in an unsteady breath before allowing my fingers to glide across my slit. It’s a surprise when I find just a hint of slickness.
I squeeze my eyes tightly closed and allow thoughts of Hayes to fill my head. A shiver dances down my spine as I shift so my legs can fall open. With soft strokes, I touch my pussy. It doesn’t take long before more wetness gathers. Need blooms in my core as my mind conjures up images of walking in on Hayes after his shower in the locker room. It would be impossible not to remember the hard, sinewy strength of his back that stood out in sharp relief. Even his ass had been chiseled and well-defined, and his thighs bulged with muscles.
My fingers pick up their pace as more desire floods through me.
It had almost been a disappointment when he’d turned around, his gaze colliding with mine. I could have spent hours soaking him in, visually tracing every dip and contour. In return, he’d given me a lazy once-over. Unable to help myself, my attention had fallen to the thick length of his cock.
And his shaved balls.
Sure, I’d seen that in porn before but never in real life.
It had been tempting to step closer and get a better look.
He’d stiffened up before wrapping his hand around his thickening length and leisurely stroking himself.
Everything tightens within me as those images flash through my mind like a slow-motion picture show.
This isn’t the first time I’ve touched myself while reliving our initial meeting. As close as I’ve come to orgasming, I haven’t been able to get there. I want—no, need—this time to be different.
I need to prove to myself that Nathan didn’t break me.
My brow scrunches as my teeth sink into my lower lip.
I’m so close.
Dancing on the precipice.
It’s right there.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt an orgasm crash over me, dragging me to the very bottom of the ocean before allowing me to float to the surface.
It’s enough to make desperation brew within. The need to sever the last chains Nathan shackled me with so I can free myself from him once and for all.
Anxiety spirals through me, and my fingers move faster as I arch my back. I focus on the slide of Hayes’s hand along his thick erection. The memories of what it had felt like to wrap my fingers around his length and stroke him for myself. How hot to the touch he’d felt.
“My guess is that you’ll look good on your knees with a mouth stuffed full of cock.”
Those husky words ignite a firestorm within me.
But it’s still not enough to push me over the edge.
It’s not enough to make me come.
After a few tense moments, frustration bursts through me and my arousal vanishes like a wisp of smoke in the darkness.
I let loose an angry cry as I roll onto my side and curl up in a tight ball. Even though tears spring to my eyes, I refuse to let them fall.
Last year broke me in more ways than one.
What I don’t know is if it’s possible to piece myself back together again.