SWNOVELS Break My Heart: Chapter 35
“It’s done, dude.”
Bridger’s words hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest. The weight of them sinks in, adding to the mixture of sorrow and grief swirling inside me. I’ve done a lot of hard things in my life—balancing school and hockey, supporting my family—but this…
Hurting Ava like this?
It’s on a completely different level.
It feels like I’ve ripped out my own heart.
Unaware of my inner turmoil, Cassidy’s and Kendall’s hands continue drifting over my chest. Their touch makes me sick to my stomach. I fucking hate that Ava saw them doing it, and that she believes I’m just another player who used her for a good time.
Without a word, I shove up from the couch, needing to get away from them, from everything. All I want to do is take a hot shower and scrub away the shame that clings to me like sweat.
“Come on, Hayes.” Cassidy pouts, reaching for my arm, but I jerk it away before she can touch me again. “What’s your deal?”
My deal?
My deal is that I just destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. And now all I want is to forget this entire night ever happened.
When I arrived at the house earlier, Cassidy and Kendall were all over one of the younger guys. He’d looked like he’d died and gone to heaven.
Ever since my conversation with Coach, I’d been bouncing back and forth all day, trying to figure out what to do.
“Pretty sure you just broke her fucking heart, man.”
He’s right.
I did.
I just didn’t think it would break mine in the process.
Making Ava think she was just another girl I’d hooked up with seemed like the only way to create a clean break. I figured it would be easier for her, that she’d hate me and move on. From the corner of my eye, I saw her face crumble and the pain in her eyes. That’s all it took for doubt to creep in at the edges.
“I still don’t understand why you had to hurt her like that.” Bridger’s voice is low but pointed. “You should’ve seen the fucking look on her face.”
I wince as a fresh wave of guilt slams into me.
The last thing I want to do is picture Ava’s expression again, but Bridger’s right. It’s impossible not to see it. The way her eyes filled with tears, the disbelief, the betrayal. If I let myself dwell on it for too long, I’ll be in my truck, speeding over to her apartment to beg her forgiveness and spill the truth about everything.
But then I think about what Coach said—that the only way to keep Ava safe is to let her go. To let her leave for Colorado, where Nathan can’t get to her.
Fuck.
My mind races as I rake a hand through my hair and pace the length of the living room.
I know what I did was for her safety and for her future.
She deserves this shot with Nadia Petrovic, and she needs to focus on skating.
Ava has too much talent, too much potential, to let Nathan ruin it all.
She needs to be far away from him… and me.
If only knowing all of that made it easier to stomach.
It certainly doesn’t stop the ache that gnaws at my chest or the urge to go to her, tell her everything, and promise that I’ll protect her.
The sad truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve never been so conflicted in my life.
“I had to make sure she’d leave,” I mutter, more to myself than to my teammate. “She needs to be safe. And she won’t be if she stays here.”
In order to get his help, I had to let Bridger in on what’s been going on with Nathan.
He releases a long breath and crosses his arms over his chest. “Yeah, I get that. But did you have to be so brutal about it? Now she thinks you don’t give a shit. That you never gave a shit.”
“I do care.” My tone is harsher than I intend. “I care about her more than anything, which is why I had to do it. If something happens to her because of that asshole…”
“So what now? You’re just going to let her think you’re the world’s biggest dickhead and hope she’s better off without you?”
I grind my teeth and stare at the floor. “If it keeps her safe, then yeah. Do you have a better idea?”
With a shake of his head, he remains silent. He might not like how everything went down, but we both know this was the only way. Ava needs to get out of here, away from Nathan’s obsessive bullshit, and the only way to make sure she goes is if she thinks there’s nothing left for her here.
But God, the thought of her leaving, of never seeing her again… It feels like my insides are being ripped apart.
“I’m gonna head out,” I say abruptly, beelining for the front door. “I need to clear my head.”
“Maybe what you really need to do is figure out a way to fix this mess before it’s too late,” Bridger mutters, his tone sharp.
I don’t bother with a response.
I don’t know if there is a way to fix it, or if I even should.
Maybe the best thing for Ava is for me to stay out of her life, no matter how much it fucking kills me.