Darn Stupid Brother You Are

(Cylan's POV)

I was lying on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, when one of the nurses came into our dorm room. "Cylan, you have a visitor," she said with a smile.

My roommates, Hande and Angel, looked at me with mischievous grins spreading across their faces. I raised an eyebrow, wondering what was going on. "What's going on?" I asked them.

Hande's grin grew wider. "Is it your lover coming to see you?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Angel chimed in, her voice full of excitement. "Yeah, is it a secret admirer?"

I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Why do you always assume that whenever I have a visitor or leave the room, it's a lover?" I asked, shaking my head.

Hande shrugged. "We're just curious. You're always so secretive about your personal life."

I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. "I've told you guys before, Ellen is not my lover. She's my ex-girlfriend. We're just friends now."

Angel raised an eyebrow. "But why does she visit you so often?"

Hande nodded in agreement. "Yeah, are you sure that Ellen is not still in love with her and wants to get back together?"

I waved my hand dismissively. "We're just friends, guys. Don't read into it."

My roommates shrugged, but I could tell they were still curious. Anyone would be. Ellen had been my friend for years, until the brief moment we had dated but no matter what happened between us, we remained close.

I got up and headed downstairs to meet Ellen, leaving their whispers and giggles behind. I didn't care what they said, but I hadn't seen her in weeks and I was looking forward to catching up. She was the one and only person who visited me in this godforsaken place.

As I walked into the visitor's room, I saw Ellen sitting on the couch, looking beautiful as always. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled at me.

"Hey," she said, standing up to hug me.

I hugged her back, enjoying the familiar warmth of her embrace. "Hey," I replied, smiling.

We sat down on the couch.

"How are you holding up?" Ellen asked.

I knew how much Ellen cared for me, even though we were no longer dating. She had moved on, and was now happily engaged to Alex. But I also knew that Alex suspected that Ellen still had feelings for me. He had hinted at it a few times, but Ellen and I both knew that wasn't the case. Ellen had brushed it off, saying he was just being paranoid, but I knew better. Alex was perceptive, and he knew that Ellen's feelings for me ran deep.

It wasn't surprising, really. Ellen and I had been together for three years, and our breakup had been messy. We had both said things we didn't mean, and it had taken us a while to repair our friendship. But now, we were closer than ever. We had moved past our romantic feelings for each other, but we couldn't imagine our lives without each other.

Ellen had been the one to break things off, citing my refusal to come out to my parents as the reason. She had felt like my secret, like I was ashamed of her. And maybe I was, at the time.

But the breakup had been a wake-up call for me. I had realized that I couldn't hide who I was anymore. With Ellen's help, I had finally found the courage to tell my parents the truth. That Ellen was not just a friend, but had been my girlfriend. It had been a difficult conversation, but it had also been liberating.

Now, Ellen and I were each other's support system. We had been through so much together, and I knew that our friendship was able to stand.

Ellen's expression turned concerned. "Cylan, how are you holding up in here?" she repeated her question, her voice soft.

I looked around the room, taking in the sterile white walls and the faint smell of disinfectant. I just smiled, trying to reassure her.

But the truth was, I was still shaken by what Dr. Nixon had done. Trying to force those pills down my throat, even though I had told her they were harming me... it still played in my mind like a bad recording. I shook my head, refusing to talk to Ellen about it. I didn't want to relive that moment, not even with her. I didn't want to talk about just that one action of one person in the center.

But then it crossed my mind that I had also been punished for breaking curfew, like I was some kind of child. Being forced to clean the cafeteria and the dormitory, and having Miss Stefan, our dorm mother, stay in the room with us... it was humiliating. Miss Stefan had been the one to mete out the punishment, she was everywhere and unyielding. She had stood over us, watching as we cleaned.

I remembered the feeling of resentment that had burned inside me as I cleaned. I had felt like a child, being punished for breaking a simple rule. And Miss Stefan's presence had only made it worse.

Ellen looked at me worriedly, her eyes searching mine for answers. I knew she could tell that something was wrong, but I just didn't want to talk about it.

Finally, after a few minutes of silence, I spoke up. "I'm fine," I said, trying to sound convincing.

But even I knew I didn't sound enthusiastic. Ellen raised an eyebrow, her expression skeptical. "Really?" she asked, her voice laced with doubt.

I nodded, trying to reassure her. But I knew she didn't believe me. And honestly, I didn't believe myself either.

I couldn't tell Ellen about the mistreatment I had endured in the center. I could handle it, I thought. I didn't want to burden her with my problems, because I didn't want to ruin our friendship by dumping my emotional baggage on her. After the breakup, I had tried to move on, to find someone new. Then, I had started sleeping around, trying to find my match, but it had only led to more heartache. And then, I had contracted an STD, which had brought me to this center. I was ashamed of my recklessness, ashamed of the choices I had made.

Ellen looked at me, her eyes searching for answers. I knew she wanted to know what was wrong, but I just couldn't tell her.

Not yet.

Maybe not ever.

I didn't want her to think less of me, or to worry about me more than she already did.

"Let's just talk about something else," I said, trying to change the subject. I didn't want to dwell on my mistakes anymore.

Ellen nodded, but I could tell she was still worried about me. She knew me too well, knew when I was hiding something. But she didn't push the issue, just let it drop. For now, at least.

"Okay," she said. "But promise me you'll tell me if something's wrong. I'm here for you, Cylan."

I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat. I knew she was here for me, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. Not yet.

She then told me about what has been going on in her life. She and her fiancé were thinking of getting a dog, and I was happy for her. She seemed really happy and that was okay.

"That's amazing, Ellen," I said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "You'll be a great dog mom."

Ellen smiled, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Thanks, Cylan. We're really thinking about it. But enough about me... what's been going on in your life?"

I hesitated, unsure of how much to reveal. With our history, I wasn't sure how to bring up, coupled with the fact that I had not dated anyone seriously since we broke up. I didn't know how she would react to me telling her about Emily. But her kind eyes urged me to open up.

"Actually, there's something," I said, weighing my tone. "I've met someone."

Ellen's expression changed from curiosity to shock. Her eyes widened in surprise, and her mouth dropped open. "What? You? Who is it?" she asked, her voice laced with disbelief.

I took a deep breath before answering. "Her name is Emily."

Ellen's face went from surprise to alarm. "Is she... a patient here too?" she asked, her voice showing her concern.

I knew why she was concerned. With the center being filled with people with STDs, Ellen was probably thinking about the risks. But there was also a hint of something else in her voice, something that sounded almost like... jealousy?

I shook my head quickly. "No, she's not a patient. She's a janitor here. And I was wondering if I should ask her out."

Her eyes were filled with a mix of emotions. "Cylan, are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked.

"I don't know... that's why I'm asking you." I looked at her squarely, trying to reassure her. "I know it sounds crazy, but I really like her. And I think it could be something special."

Ellen looked at me for a long time, her expression unreadable. Then, she spoke up.

"Go for it."