Proof (Targes Executive Protection Book 1)

Finding Cass ended up being a lot easier than I would’ve thought, and I wanted to kick myself for not having figured it out sooner.

While my brother was using every resource at his disposal to locate Cass, I’d had this strange feeling in my gut just after the sun had fallen and instead of ignoring it, I’d followed it. Sully had told me countless times to stay inside our house and had even posted several of his men all around our block so they could keep an eye on things, but I’d been going stir-crazy for days. Luckily, my brother had chosen tonight to call all the men who were watching the house inside for a quick briefing. I’d used the opportunity to quietly make my own escape.

Learning that either Cass or I had been the target of the shootings and not just an afterthought to the other murders had broken me. I didn’t remember my brother taking me home from the motel, nor did I remember the twenty-four hours that had followed. Fortunately, when I’d finally let the grief and guilt take a back seat to what was happening, I’d been able to start looking at all the evidence Sully had collected—and thankfully remembered to grab from the cabin—with a fresh perspective.

I’d also been waiting for the phone to ring.

Any phone. Sully’s cell, mine, the landline we still had in the house for some reason. I’d been desperate to hear Cass’s voice, even if it hadn’t been directed at me.

There’d been no call and as each hour had passed, I’d grown more and more restless. Even though I’d told Cass to leave, I was pretty sure he hadn’t. Not the area, at least. Cass was probably doing the same thing that Sully and I were.

Trying to identify the murderer and anyone who might have been linked to him.

Cass wouldn’t be searching to finally prove to the world that he’d been innocent all along—no, he wouldn’t be thinking about himself at all. He’d be focused on finding the person or people who’d killed a little girl, her mother, and a federal agent.

And me.

He’d be trying to find out who’d hurt me.

Who’d taken his JJ from him.

That wouldn’t be all, though. Cass had been protecting me from pretty much the moment he’d been released from prison, and he wouldn’t stop doing that just because I wasn’t the same JJ he’d cared so much for. He’d protect me because that was what Cass did.

What he’d always done.

It had been more than a week since Sully had picked me up from the motel. My brother and I hadn’t talked about anything other than the evidence he’d dug up in his own effort to find the suspect. Unfortunately, my memory loss hadn’t been limited to just the nights before and of the shooting. I hadn’t been able to remember anything from several months prior to that night. My last memory had been of Sully’s birthday shortly after the death of our father.

Despite our loss, Sully and I had upheld the tradition of celebrating special events by going to the same shitty Scottish pub our father had practically lived at during the final years of his life, and we’d drunk ourselves senseless. We’d even rehashed many of the stories our father had told us over and over as we’d grown up. They included the tale of how our parents had met and while it had brought up the painful memory of losing both our mother and father, the alcohol had given us the same loose tongues it’d given our father when he’d wanted to talk about his beloved wife.

As I grew closer to my destination, my heart began to pound even harder in my chest. The farther I left the safety of the house behind me, the more worried I became that my hunch wouldn’t pan out. I’d have a pissed-off Sully to deal with either way, so that part didn’t matter to me. I just needed to see Cass.

Just one more time.

This time, there would be nothing—no bullet, no assassin, no well-meaning family member—that would be able to take that time away from me.

As for my brother, I loved him to death for everything he had and was still trying to do to keep me safe, but there was no way I could make him understand that my world made even less sense now than it had before Cass’s return. Sully couldn’t fix that for me. Cass couldn’t fix it for me, either. I had to fix it, and I had to start at the place where only one thing did make sense.

I wanted Cass.

I wanted him to want me. The me that I was now. I didn’t deserve it, but now that I understood what had been truth and what had been lies, I wanted to try living the truth.

With Cass.

And if he didn’t want me, if he’d come to his senses and accepted I wasn’t the JJ he’d lost, I’d find a way to live with that. But if there was even a chance…

I reminded myself that I needed to stay focused on my surroundings. I’d understood everything Sully had drilled into me about not letting anyone in on the fact that I knew the truth about the night of the shooting, and I hadn’t disagreed with him.

Problem was, Sully had no understanding of Cass’s true suffering. How could he? I’d seen only a few shreds of the true suffering Cass had either allowed me to see or had inadvertently revealed. Sully was right in that Cass could take care of himself, but that was when it came to the physical stuff. What about all the rest of the shit that was locked away in his mind? The shit Sully and I had played a role in putting there. I’d never understood what needing to protect someone you cared about had really meant until I’d come face to face with Cass and watched him protect me time and time again despite the hatred he should have had for me.

Ironically, it was that understanding which had made it possible to forgive my big brother for everything that had happened. He’d had to choose my life over his best friend’s freedom, and it had been a decision he’d had to make entirely on his own. Sully had admitted that he’d never even considered the idea that Cass’s own family would abandon him. Even if Cass’s father had hated his own son, why hadn’t he protected the Ashby name by getting Cass the high-priced lawyers who would have been able to get the charges dropped altogether? From there, it would have just been a matter of putting Cass on a private flight to a country with no extradition agreement with the United States, and Cass and his piece-of-shit father would have happily parted ways for the rest of their lives.

I couldn’t say what I would have done in Sully’s shoes, but I was glad he’d managed to get Cass out sooner rather than later. Had I not spent the past year being a selfish prick who attended his very own pity party night after night, I could have been helping Sully come up with the cash to get Cass out sooner. I could have been working the case as well. Instead, I’d spent my days passed out in bed and my nights letting guys use me so I could escape my so-called terrible life.

What about Cass’s life? When would it be his turn to play the pity card? Even though a man like Cass would never go that route, he’d earned the right to feel sorry for himself and be pissed about everything that had been stolen from him.

Although I’d forgiven Sully for his deception and for literally keeping me in the dark for so long after I’d been deemed fully recovered, I wasn’t a kid anymore, and even though I didn’t officially carry a badge, I still knew how to be a cop. I cared about my safety, but I didn’t need Sully checking under my bed for monsters anymore. I didn’t need ice cube wake-up calls, either, and Tank’s was no longer even on my radar.

I wasn’t that man anymore.

Because of Cass.

Nothing I did would make up for all the mistakes I’d made from the time I’d learned my life had been irrevocably changed forever, but the little time that I’d gotten to spend with Cass had reminded me that despite all my failings, I still got to choose what path to follow going forward.

The question now was whether or not Cass would give me another chance to walk that path together.

I was shaking by the time I reached the small park a few blocks from my house. I tried to pass it off as the uneasiness of knowing someone could be hunting me, but the second I saw the familiar outline of a man sitting on one of the wooden benches by a tiny football field, the butterflies in my stomach were proof that I wasn’t thinking about a potential assailant.

Surprisingly, Cass didn’t seem to notice my presence at all. The Cass I knew was always aware of what was happening around him. No one got the drop on him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Cass said softly.

I almost smiled. At least some things hadn’t changed.

“How did you know?” I asked as I moved around the bench and stood before him. The flickering light above our heads only allowed me glimpses of his face. He had yet to look at me.

Not a good sign.

“The same way you knew I was here,” Cass responded, his voice emotionless. “Go home, JJ.”

His dismissal was like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t help but laugh, though nothing about any of this was funny.

“Is that really why you’re three blocks from my house at the very park where we first met? To tell me to go home?” I asked.

Cass’s silence infuriated me. So did his lack of any kind of physical reaction to my presence.

“So that’s it,” I said. “You go off the grid for over a week and then when you finally decide to show up, you aren’t even man enough to come to the house?”

When Cass didn’t respond or even look at me, I backed up so I was standing directly in the light shining over the baseball field and held out my arms. “You think this will give whoever’s out there a clear shot? No trees to block his view, a little bit of light to make sure it’s me and⁠—”

Cass was on me before I could even finish the sentence. His hand wrapped around my throat, but he didn’t apply any real pressure. His blue eyes were filled with emotion—fury, to be exact—now. I didn’t resist when Cass dropped his hand and wrapped it around my bicep so he could pull me back out of the light. He didn’t stop there, though. He practically dragged me into the public restroom that was meant for park visitors. After slamming me up against the wall, he kicked the door shut behind him and then locked it.

“Well, it’s not the worst bathroom I’ve ever let a guy⁠—”

“Shut the fuck up!” Cass snapped as he got in my face again. “Is all this a game to you, JJ? You don’t get to lose yourself in a bar full of men anymore so you decide to get your fix by sneaking out of the house like a rebellious teenager just so you could pick a fight⁠—”

“Fuck you, Cass!” I barked as I shoved him hard. Between the confined space and his assumption I wouldn’t fight back, he stumbled backward and hit the edge of the sink. The brief skirmish left us both breathing much harder than it should have.

I knew my heavy breaths had nothing to do with being pissed at Cass. Relief, nerves, and lust had my blood heading south. I could feel my cock pressing against the denim of my jeans. It wouldn’t be long before he would see physical proof of my state.

Stepping back, I let my back brush up against the concrete wall behind me, my eyes never leaving his. “Do you have any idea what you put…” I paused briefly because I was in dangerous waters. “What you put Sully through this past week?”

“Sully…” Cass mused as he too leaned back, letting the sink support him. “Last time Sully and I talked, he made it pretty clear what was and what wasn’t supposed to happen in that cabin. Boundaries… that’s what he called them.”

I could feel the saliva pooling in my mouth. Sure enough, when I dropped my eyes to Cass’s groin, there was no mistaking that we were on the same page physically. Unfortunately, we were miles apart on everything else.

I didn’t care.

I didn’t care that it would make everything worse. I didn’t care that it would only widen the rift between us. I selfishly didn’t care that I would be hurting him all over again.

That I’d be hurting myself.

My body was in charge and my brain had no interest in regaining control of it.

“What if those boundaries changed? For one night?” I asked.

I nearly came on the spot as Cass straightened and slowly walked toward me. The lust in his eyes was impossible to ignore.

Lust.

Nothing else.

Just lust.

Like all the men who’d looked at me in every piece-of-shit bar I’d spent my nights in for the past year. The reminder of everything I’d done, everything I’d allowed others to do to me allowed that cruel little voice to remind me I wasn’t good enough for the man in front of me.

Cass’s approach made me feel like I was some kind of prey facing its inevitable demise. My heart began to beat frantically in my chest as the weak-assed armor I’d tried to encase it in began to crack.

I didn’t want this.

Except that I did.

Cass’s hands came to rest on the wall, one on each side of my head. I couldn’t speak as I waited for him to shove his groin against mine.

How many times had I been in this same position? Letting guys manhandle me because I knew it turned them on? Welcoming every hard, denim-covered dick that pressed against mine as ugly, degrading names and suggestions had been whispered in my ear? How many times had I wondered if any of the guys would be different… if they’d make me feel something real?

“Hey,” Cass said softly, the tip of his nose brushing teasingly against mine, putting his mouth dangerously close to my own. The move felt as intimate as a kiss. His warm, soothing voice as he spoke that one single word did what it was supposed to. I focused all my attention on Cass and ignored every memory that the idea of rough, ugly sex had stirred up.

He repeated the move. I couldn’t help but close my eyes. When the caress ended, I let out a rush of air that had been trapped in my lungs. Cass was watching me intently when I finally managed to open my eyes. Gone was the emotionless lust, the blank eyes, and the eager cock. Well, that last part was still there, but the man standing before me was the man I’d come to find.

“I know you don’t remember a lot of things, but somewhere inside of you, deep inside, you know that I would never hurt you. That I would never make love to you in a place like this,” Cass continued.

I found myself nodding without even needing to think about it. I’d already known he’d never hurt me, but I hadn’t given much thought to a scenario like the one we were currently in. Not only would Cass never physically hurt me, he also wouldn’t degrade and humiliate me, even if I tried to goad him into it with false bravado and crass language. The part about making love was harder to accept. I’d never heard those words before. I’d never expected to, either, because no one made love to the neighborhood cock slut.

“Cass,” I whispered.

“Yeah?” Cass’s mouth was so close to mine that if I moved just the tiniest bit, our lips would touch the next time he spoke. I shifted my eyes from his because I couldn’t handle the hunger I saw in them. The same hunger he’d see in my eyes. Hunger and so much more.

That was when I saw the bathroom door.

“You closed the door,” I blurted. Cass had closed and locked the door behind us for me. To keep me safe. “Cass, the door—” I said as I tried to pull free of his hold so I could open it for him.

His hold on me was gentle but somehow still unbreakable.

“Cass,” I tried again, but then his lips were skimming the shell of my ear.

“Turns out that if I’m with the right person, I kind of like being hidden away from the rest of the world,” he whispered into my ear.

When Cass pulled back so he could look me in the eye again, all the emotions that had been ripping me to pieces dissipated, leaving only one behind. The one that had been a part of me for so long, even during my black hole of lost time.

I wanted to say the word to him. I wanted so badly to put it between the two other smaller words so he’d know how I really felt about him. I wanted him to say it back to me.

Except he wouldn’t be speaking to me.

He’d be saying the cherished words to a ghost.

“I’ve never done that,” I said shakily as I tried to collect myself. “Make love,” I stammered as I recovered from the near disaster.

I felt Cass’s smile rather than saw it. He’d moved in close enough that his lips were brushing mine as he spoke. “Me either,” he admitted sheepishly. I closed my eyes in glorious anticipation of finally feeling his mouth moving over mine again, but it never came. Instead, the hands holding my wrists loosened, then dropped away. The heat that Cass’s body had enveloped mine in evaporated. The mouth that had brushed briefly against my own with the weight of nothing more than a feather floated away like it had never been there to begin with.

I forced myself to keep my eyes closed as I listened to the soft thud of retreating footsteps. For once, I wished for the blinding pain to burst to life behind my eye, but karma once again intervened. I wasn’t going to be able to escape so I could hide my feelings. The second I opened my eyes, Cass would see everything, and since he hadn’t taken what I’d been freely offering, it meant one thing.

He remembered who I was.

Or rather, who I wasn’t.

I may not have had the blinding pain in my head to help me, but humiliation made up for it. I opened my eyes but kept my head down. “I should go,” I said as I bolted for the door. I didn’t even manage to get it open before Cass slammed it shut again with his hand and held it there.

“It’s not safe, JJ,” Cass said, though I could barely hear him because of the roaring sound in my ears. Heat was spreading along my shoulders, neck, and face.

“I’ll be fine,” I stammered. “I’m armed and I made sure I wasn’t followed.” I tugged on the door as hard as I could, but it wouldn’t budge. The shame was like a living thing inside of me. Despite all of the self-bravado talk I’d engaged in with myself as I’d searched Cass out, the reality was that no matter how much I wanted him, he’d finally come to his senses and realized it wasn’t me he really wanted. He’d been in the park for one reason and one reason only.

To protect me.

It would never be anything more than that, no matter how much I tried to be a better man.

“Fine, call Sully. He’ll come—” I began.

“I’m not talking about that kind of safe,” Cass said, his voice achingly gentle. It just made everything worse. How could he be so calm while my entire world felt like it was imploding?

If he wasn’t talking about my physical safety, then what the hell was he talking about?

Oh God…

“I got tested,” I barked. “I mean, I know it doesn’t matter, but I asked Sully to take me to a clinic and somehow I tested negative for everything, but I need to be retested⁠—”

“JJ—”

I ignored Cass’s attempt to get my attention. I hadn’t meant to admit anything about getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases because he had already made it clear that a physical relationship wasn’t going to happen. The mere thought that Cass had been worried about picking something up from me because of my reckless sexual behavior was another level of humiliation I just couldn’t take. It was something I ultimately would have told him if things had gone differently, but to actually confront the truth about the real reason he’d stopped short of kissing me was unbearable.

When Cass continued to hold the door closed, my flight response changed to fight. I turned and slammed my hands against his chest. He grunted but didn’t let go of the door. I didn’t have enough room to throw a punch, so I went for every other self-defense tactic I’d been trained in. None of it worked because I had no strength left.

Physical or emotional.

I let my back slide down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I couldn’t stop the sobs that poured out of me. I choked on the unleashed screams in my throat and tore at my hair in the hopes of gaining control of something… anything. In what universe would I ever be normal? I’d had my shot with Cass two years earlier and even though it had been taken from me, that didn’t mean I could have it back just because I wanted it to be that way. I couldn’t change myself into a better version of me overnight. Not after everything I’d done.

“JJ, stop!” Cass shouted. His hands wrestled mine away from my hair. He was crouching in front of me but as soon as I tried to crawl away from him, he dropped his body so his weight was pinning me down. I fought like a wild animal, but it was all to no avail.

“Let me go, Cass. Please,” I begged when fight joined flight in leaving my body. I was weak and wrecked. I didn’t know up from down or left from right. I couldn’t see anything because my eyes hurt so bad from the tears. Despite begging Cass to release me, I wouldn’t have been able to move if he had. At most, I would have lain down on the dirty linoleum floor and wished for the silence of death that had threatened to take me two years earlier.

“JJ, look at me. I need you to understand why I had to stop what was about to happen between us,” Cass ordered.

Five minutes ago, I would have complied with the order to look at him. Instead, I tucked my head against my right arm as best as I could considering Cass still had a hold of me. Thankfully, the tears had stopped, or at least slowed, but it didn’t really matter. I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together as long as he loomed over me.

“Goddamn it, look at me!” Cass shouted. I flinched at the anger in his voice. I reminded myself that he had the right to be angry with me. He had the right to hate me for everything I’d let happen to him.

I owed him a response and if the response was that he wanted me to look at him, so be it. Sitting on that bathroom floor, covered in tears and God only knew what else, my skin red and hot, I could easily say I’d never been at a lower point in my entire life. I would have gladly taken the moment Cass had found me in the alley behind Tank’s over what was happening now.

“Don’t you fucking do this to me again,” Cass practically snarled when I was slow to respond to his demand. I wasn’t sure what he meant but it didn’t matter. I lifted my eyes to meet his. I could barely see him through the remaining blur of tears that hadn’t fallen. When I lifted my arm a little, I was surprised to find that Cass released it. I used my sleeve to wipe my face as best as I could. The move meant I could see Cass better.

I was stunned to see silent tears sliding down his face.

Oh God, had I inadvertently hurt him when I’d been trying to escape his hold? I hadn’t thought I’d done any damage to him, but what if I had?

“Cass—” I croaked.

“It’s not safe for me, JJ,” he growled.

I wasn’t sure I heard him right until he repeated the words. Even then, I had no clue what he was talking about. Had he found something out and whoever had shot me was hunting him now? All of my humiliation was swept away like it had never been.

“Oh God, Cass, who⁠—”

Cass closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s you, JJ. I’m not safe from you.”

The admission had me releasing him and pulling back but I didn’t have anywhere to go.

“No… no, I would never—” I stammered before Cass placed his fingers gently over my mouth to silence me. He looked completely broken. A shell of who he’d once been. I didn’t want him to say any more because it was starting to make sense now. He’d prevented me from leaving the dingy little bathroom because he’d wanted to explain why he’d backed off instead of kissing me. He wasn’t afraid of me giving him something I’d picked up from some stranger.

It was so much worse than that.

Every part of me froze when Cass dropped his eyes, pulled his hand back and shook his head in mute acceptance of whatever he was about to say.

“I’ve lost you twice now, JJ. I just… I can’t do it again.”