The McCain Marriage Contract

From the health facility, I instructed Dave to drive straight to the airport, and I jumped on the next available flight to Delaware. My mom was the only person I wanted to see after that burst of emotion that just happened with the Jensens. I was beaten to my core. I did not know I still carried that much anger in me after all those years. I was always aware that I was still mad at Valerie and my dad, of course, but I always thought that when it was finally time to confront either of them I would do it with decorum. I thought that the way I felt about them was ignorable, like a lingering itch, something that I could let go of eventually when I finally achieved what I wanted -- giving my dad his well-deserved punishment and complete freedom from that marriage. From what happened in J. J's room it was evident that it was a lot more than an itch; what I had experienced was complete catharsis, and still, I didn't feel any better.

I was ashamed of the way I handled things back there, without so much consideration for the man's health. I let my anger get the best of me especially when J. J. kept reminding me how much of a Saint his daughter was. His words made me seem like a terrible person when, in fact, I was not responsible for anything that happened back then. If anything, I was the victim. I was the innocent one in all of this, why couldn't anyone see that? My parents split up, something that no kid fancied, and the very next day I discovered my first love was busy messing around with my dad of all people.

I didn't even want to know the extent of their relationship or the exact nature of it. I did not want to know whether they ever touched or kissed or just exchanged words of affirmation. Dad told me he never indulged her, but I didn't believe the man. Whatever their relationship was, as long as it exceeded the confines of the expected, it was a huge betrayal and a slap on my tender, boyish face.

Even though it was very easy and convenient to attribute my affinity to women to the example my dad showed me, I knew it was beyond that. That was my way of numbing the pain I felt. Valerie hurt me beyond words and I did not want anyone else to have that power over me ever again. I gave her my all and she simply crapped all over my love. I was well aware that some people fancied older partners, even some of my friends who were my agemates fancied older women. It was like a craze back then in school -- the junior kids had eyes for the seniors, the teachers even, compared to people of their own age grade. It was ethically wrong and totally illegal because most of the kids were minors. Valerie used to find the attraction to a much older person incomprehensible; she told me so herself. And she went for my dad. So sick!

At my mom's place, I was able to put my mind at ease for a while. My misery wasn't abated, it was just subdued in the meantime. She offered me a glass of warm milk as she used to in my growing years and I downed it in one gulp. She gave me a pitiful smile. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I nodded and immediately started talking. It was like the words were too hot inside of my mouth and I just had to spit them all out. I spoke in a rush and told her all I could remember, with the exclusion of the romp between Valerie and Tony. I complained about the uncanny interest Dad had in Valerie. I saw her eyes grow wide and fill up with tears as I emptied my heart to her but she didn't interrupt me until I was all done.

She took in a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I need you to listen to me very well, Raymond. I have something really important to tell you. It might not have much to do with your travails but I guess you might as well know everything."

With the way she sounded, I was sure I wouldn't like what she was going to say. But the worst was behind me, and I didn't think any new information could hurt me.

"I met Elizabeth in Junior High. Unlike your father and Jimmy, or you and Valerie we did not know ourselves from childhood but still, we were great friends with similar interests. In our first year at MIT, we met Tony and Jimmy at a school function. Like you know they were very close friends back then, inseparable even. The four of us found ourselves conversing for most of the day, and pretty soon we all became good friends. Jimmy immediately fell in love with Elizabeth and Tony fell in love with me. Or at least that was what I thought before I got to know better.

"After college, we decided to move to Jacksonville. I cannot remember the exact reason for the decision but it was one that sat well with all of us. Our relationship grew and soon marriage happened. But Tony never seemed happy with me, and this was a realization I came to quite late. You may have been a kid but you saw it yourself. It was as though his life lacked something, or someone, very essential and nothing I did could change that. It was much later, after observing some things, that I realized I wasn't the one he wanted. He wanted Elizabeth instead. What I could not understand was why Tony did not declare his love for Elizabeth early enough and made me feel inadequate in the time our marriage lasted." I blew out hot air from my mouth. "That sucks royally," I said.

She smiled sadly. "We are yet to get to the really suckish part, son," I said. "In the marriage, I felt so unneeded and I kept to myself mostly. I wanted to leave, I did, but I realized I was the only one with a near-stable income. Even if he didn't love me, I was completely in love with him and couldn't just walk away. Hearing myself say this out loud, I sound stupid. But then I was younger and unwise; I hoped it would hit him that Elizabeth was out of bounds to him, and he would realize that I was the one for him. Of course, that never happened. But something better happened. You, Raymond."

She paused to take a sip of water. Then she continued: "Like I always tell you, you are the only beautiful part of that sad union. A couple of months after I had you, Elizabeth had Valerie. It was a thing of joy for both families when you kids grew up to become close friends, and it strengthened the bond between our families. But there was something else -- Valerie was the spitting image of Elizabeth and she reminded Tony of the woman he truly loved. That was why he was very fond of her."

"And I guess that was why you did not particularly like her?" I asked.

She averted her gaze. "I'm not proud of how I behaved towards that little girl, but I was nursing a very broken heart. I had nothing against Valerie herself, I was just displeased with what she represented. Her presence was a constant reminder of my inadequacy in my own home. Valerie was such a sweet child and, in truth, I loved her. It was just difficult to express it when I saw the way Tony looked at her."

This was deeper than I expected. My mom had suffered a lot more than I knew. If we were speaking of the past, then we should talk about everything. There was no point in keeping secrets any longer. "I have to tell you something, mom, something I may have omitted from my initial narration. The true reason I left Valerie was because I had reason to believe that Dad transferred whatever affection he had for Elizabeth to Valerie. And I'm not talking about a father-daughter sort of way, if you know what I mean."

Mom shook her head. "Now I know that your father might be the devil's incarnate and I would normally not have any kind words for him, but I'm don't believe he could do something like that. Valerie either. However, I cannot say for sure what you saw but you need to have a long talk with your father. Make him tell you every single thing, including the reason for your marriage, and put your mind at ease."

"I don't think I can do that, mom. I don't care about anything he has to say. My next visit to him would be to say to his face that I am done with the marriage and his name. I don't want anything from him ever again, not his money nor his status. I just want a life devoid of any more problems; a life of not being a McCain," I said.