SWNOVELS When He Desires: Chapter 35
By the time Sandro drops me off at the house, I’m still buzzing.
I can’t believe how fucking good that felt—like slipping into a pair of perfectly broken-in leather shoes.
People who’ve lived their lives following the arbitrary rules society imposes on them have no idea how good it feels to say fuck the rules. They’re too scared to go against the grain. Too scared to risk being rejected by those around them.
But what they don’t understand is that as long as they conform, they will never know true power. It comes from being your own fucking person and doing whatever the fuck you want.
Back at Frostbite, that power pulsed through me, but it’s already fading.
When I was in New York, I felt it rushing through my veins all the damn time. It’s stronger than any drug you can possibly imagine.
I stop on the porch, press my palms against the railing, and look out at the neighborhood. I can hear the distant sound of a dog barking, a car driving by, the soft rustle of some animal moving through the trees behind the house. It’s a familiar scene, one that I was starting to get used to. But now, after tasting that freedom, that raw power, everything else seems dull and lifeless.
I close my eyes and give my head a shake, trying to rid myself of that insatiable feeling.
Just once. That’s what I promised myself. I’d let Nero out just once.
Yes, it felt exhilarating to slip into old habits, but I can’t be that guy here if I want to keep Blake.
And I want that more than anything. Even more than the thrill of my old life.
I push away from the railing and walk across the porch toward the front door.
As soon as I step inside, I call Blake’s name. No answer.
I see her outside through the living room window. She’s bundled up in her coat, getting something from the shed on the edge of her backyard.
The gun’s still tucked inside my waistband, pressed against my back, and I need to put it away before she comes inside.
I’m about to go back out to put it back in the car, but something stops me. Better to keep it closer in case anything happens. Brett’s not going to retaliate, he’s too much of a pussy for that, but there’s no harm in being cautious.
Upstairs, in one of the unfinished bedrooms, there’s a built-in closet that should do the trick. I jiggle the drawer, trying to open it, but the damn thing’s stuck.
Maybe it’s a sign I should just put the gun back in the car.
“Rowan?”
I whip around and find Blake standing at the threshold of the room still in her winter coat and boots.
My stomach drops. “Jesus, you scared me.”
“I just came in to get some scissors, but then I heard noise coming from up here and thought I’d take a look…” Her eyes widen. “Why do you have a gun?”
Fuck.
Great. This is just fucking great. I say the first explanation that comes to mind. “I thought I’d get one as a precaution in case your godfather starts coming by more often.”
“Uncle Lyle?” A notch appears between her brows. “I haven’t seen him since he came by here that one day.”
I shift on my feet. “I know, but I’ve been thinking about it, and you were right. He’s dangerous, and I shouldn’t have been so cavalier about it. I don’t want to be in a situation where I can’t defend you.”
A flicker of apprehension appears in her gaze. She doesn’t like my answer.
I hold my breath, waiting for her to call me out on my lie. But after a long moment, her expression softens, and she gives me a small nod.
“Okay, yeah, you’re right. We should be prepared.”
I let out a silent breath of relief and turn back to the drawer. A few hard tugs finally get it to open up. I stash the gun away and close it firmly.
Blake watches me the entire time, her bottom lip between her teeth.
“It’s going to stay right here, okay? If anything happens while you’re home alone, you’ll know where to find it.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t want to touch that. I wouldn’t know how to use it anyway.” A line appears between her brows. “Do you?”
Taking a few steps closer, I stop in front of her. “I took a class a long time ago. But I don’t want you to worry. It’s just a precaution.”
Blake studies me, her eyes searching mine. Does she suspect I’m lying? Fuck, I should have been more careful. I’m still amped up from confronting Brett.
I hold my breath, waiting for her next move, praying she doesn’t push further. After what feels like an eternity, her tense posture relaxes. She closes the space between us and wraps her arms around my waist, pressing her cheek against my chest.
‘Okay. I trust your judgment. Just…be careful, okay?’
I smooth my palm down her back. “Of course.”
“Did you just buy it at the store? Is that why you left?”
“Yeah. After the errand I had to run with Sam.”
She pulls back to look at me. “What did he need to talk to you about?”
“Just a client being difficult.”
“You know, I never asked how the two of you met.”
“Sam and I?” Fuck, what was the story Sandro and I came up with?
“You said you worked together in Vegas. Is that where you met?” Her perceptive eyes scan over me, and I know she’s still spooked by that gun.
“Yeah, we did. We met at work, at that construction company I told you about. We were on a project together, and we got along. He’s a good kid. Smart. Hard-working. I could see us going into business together, and so we did.”
“Does he have any family?”
“No. Just him.”
“What happened to them?”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but you could ask if you’re curious.”
She shakes her head. “I wouldn’t want to pry. Trust me, I get not wanting to talk about family. I hate telling people about my dad. I remember one time, he came to pick me up from a birthday party, and he showed up in his leathers with a gun strapped to his belt. Why would he do that? It was a nine-year-old’s party, for God’s sake. But he liked to show off. To intimidate people just for the sake of it.”
An uncomfortable shiver slides down my spine.
Her hands find mine. “Seeing that gun… I guess it brought back a lot of bad memories.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. But I want you to know where my mind jumped to when I saw it. Why it freaked me out so much. I know it’s not fair to compare you to my dad when you’re nothing like him. You’re generous and kind and good, even if you try to pretend otherwise on occasion.” Blake gives me a wry smile.
Good?
There isn’t a good bone in my body.
But Blake’s oblivious to what’s running through my head. “We should invite Sam over for Christmas. He’s been amazing with getting the renovation of my place going. I don’t want him to spend the holiday alone.”
I squeeze her hands. “Good idea, Sunshine. Although judging by today, he probably already plans on just showing up.”
She laughs softly and goes up on her tiptoes to give me a kiss.
I’ve never seen eyes as blue as hers. They calm me. They make me feel like all of this might just work out after all.
They also remind me that she deserves someone so much fucking better than me.
A man she doesn’t even know.
A man who’s definitely not good enough to ever let her go.